food for thought logo

APRIL 1999 | VOL. 3, NO. 4



Deep Thoughts | Dennis Miller


UP NEXT | Only in America




Working Tips for the Boss
Or How to Make My Job as Enjoyable as Possible

The Daily Grind. The Rat Race. Hell. Each has been used quite often to describe working life. Aside from the fortunate few who were born with a shiny silver spoon in their mouth and a shiny silver helicopter in their backyard, work is a necessary function of life. Like drones or worker bees, the work force passes each working day with its mind on the weekend and an ever-alert eye on the clock. Virtually no one would rather be at work than do something enjoyable, like say piercing one's left nipple.

But perserve we must. Money rules society and without a job money is just an unattainable golden ring - except for those who spend their days robbing banks and scamming the elderly, for them Hell comes later. So for all the Dilberts and Dilbettes of the world here is a handy check list for your boss. It carries the guarantee of continued happiness and contentment in your tiny cubicle enriched world.

Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

If it's really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

Wait until my yearly review and then tell me what my goals should have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic.

Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

* * * *


Boss' checklist courtesy of