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MARCH 1999 | VOL. 3, NO. 3



How to Win Arguments





Dennis Miller's Deep Thoughts
Or Things to Think About When Nothing's on TV

Every comedian these days, it seems, must throw at least a couple of minutes of "thoughts" into his act. Call it Seinfeld disease. Imitation being the best form of flattery and all that. After all, that's all Jerry Seinfeld's sitcom and standup act consisted of didn't it. Someone standing if front of us pointing out the interesting things in our lives that we may have missed. A not-so-quiet voice in our ears reminding us that, hey, Ovaltine is funny. Though it should actually be called roundtine.

And so, as trends will, observation humor took off airline peanuts, luggage x-ray and all. Tim Allen wrote some books on the subject and made some money. So did Seinfeld. Paul Reiser became a little jealous - figuring what the hell, my kid must do somethings that will make people laugh, I'll write about baby observations - and he published a best seller called Fatherhood. I believe it was subtitled "have you ever noticed that your kid, who's supposed to respect you, look up to you, will always get the uncontrollable urge to pee as soon as you take his diaper off". Or something to that effect.

Dennis Miller

To get back on the track and sum things up. Dennis Miller (right), former talk show host and standup comedian, has made some interesting comments in his acts over the years. And, being a comedian who by definition earns money by acting funny, his thoughts are actually humorous. So, without further ado here's Dennis keeping up with the comedic Jones':

Don't sweat the petty things and Don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there

is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?

Are they worried someone will clean them?

Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?

Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?

Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

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Thoughts copyright © Dennis Miller. All rights reserved.