MARCH 2000 | VOL. 4, NO. 3
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
ALSO THIS MONTH
Wisdom from a Bar Stool
It's a well-known fact that alcohol brings out the best philosophy has to offer. In fact, every bar has their very own house philosopher. You can usually identify these well-respected individuals by their slurred words, boisterous actions and red eyes. They normally sit alone in one corner of the bar, head in hand and a dish of spilled peanut shells at the ready.
Occasionally, bar goers are also treated to true pearls of wisdom about their hobby by featured guest speakers and scribes of well known background. These are the heavyweights whose accomplishments still make history even though they so obviously enjoy their suds (something to remember the next time you call in sick with a hangover).
And so (drunken drum roll please), here are the best of the best, the cream of the crop, as copied from men's room walls and damp drink napkins across the world.
"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline;
it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear
weapons, but at the very least you need a beer."
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you
to keep your mouth shut."
"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol
has taken out of me."
"He was a wise man who invented beer."
"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time."
"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to
"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
"Work is the curse of the drinking class."
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it
makes beer shoot out your nose."
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind
is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but
the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks
"People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer; they
just like to pee alot."
"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world."
"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer."
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer."
"I drink to make other people interesting."
"They who drink beer will think beer."
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time
with his fools."
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding
"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me -- so
let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer."
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