It's a well-known fact that alcohol brings out the best philosophy has to offer. In fact, every bar has their very own house philosopher. You can usually identify these well-respected individuals by their slurred words, boisterous actions and red eyes. They normally sit alone in one corner of the bar, head in hand and a dish of spilled peanut shells at the ready.

Occasionally, bar goers are also treated to true pearls of wisdom about their hobby by featured guest speakers and scribes of well known background. These are the heavyweights whose accomplishments still make history even though they so obviously enjoy their suds (something to remember the next time you call in sick with a hangover).

And so (drunken drum roll please), here are the best of the best, the cream of the crop, as copied from men's room walls and damp drink napkins across the world.

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline; it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer."
- Frank Zappa

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
- Ernest Hemmingway

"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
- Winston Churchill

"He was a wise man who invented beer."
- Plato (right)

"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time."
- Catherine Zandonella

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."
- W.C. Fields

"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
- Lady Astor to Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
- Churchill's reply

"Work is the curse of the drinking class."
- Oscar Wilde

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
- Henny Youngman

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
- Benjamin Franklin

"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."
- Deep Thought, Jack Handy

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
- Dave Barry

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
- Humphrey Bogart

"People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot."
- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world."
- Kaiser Welhelm

"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer."
- Homer Simpson

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
- Dave Barry

"I drink to make other people interesting."
- George Jean Nathan

"They who drink beer will think beer."
- Washington Irving

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
- For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
- Dean Martin

"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me -- so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer."
- Homer Simpson

* * * *