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MAY 1999 | VOL. 3, NO. 5


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Top Ten Darth Vader Secrets Exposed During the New Star Wars Movie

MARK FUSCO

10. Regrets ever letting the Mir engineers design the Death Star
9. Lost out to the pink bunny for the Energizer mascot gig
8. He's not Y2K compliant
7. His career in evil universe domination nearly destroyed forever after his alleged "incident" with an Ewok hit the tabloids
6. The Imperial Emperor is really his crazy uncle Wally
5. Got suspended from Jedi Knight school for constantly making the light saber "whoosh" noise during class
4. For kicks, he and his buddies like to drink lots of beer and go Jabba the Hutt tipping
3. With his deep voice and heavy breathing, his high school guidance counselor thought he had a future in phone sex
2. Likes to go to bars and pick up chicks using the Jedi Mind Trick
1. His wife died tragically when she mistook his light saber for her "magic fingers"

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