Things Dogs Must Remember

As man's best friend, a dog can bring so much joy to a person's life without asking for very much in return. Dog's are simple in their needs and pleasures and they some times forget that they are guests in the house. It's easy to get upset when fishing the remnants of your favorite shoes from behind the couch, but keep in mind that dogs have a lot of rules to remember. Given their instinctive, one-track minds, it's extremely easy for them to forget. Thanks to the following instructional list (which can be posted next to the toilet or near the rose bushes for easy reference), we guarantee that your best friend will never step out of line again.

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens - especially the red ones - or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.