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JULY 1998 | VOLUME 2, NUMBER 2 FOOD FOR THOUGHT RECENT THOUGHTS | Little things picked up along the way:
UP NEXT | Oxymorons galore! Hog Wild in Romania: This March, the Romanian soccer team Jiul Petrosani sold midfielder Ion Radu to the Valcea team for about $2,500 worth of pork. Jiul Petrosani had earlier traded defenseman Liviu Baicea to Valcea for ten soccer balls. Think about that the next time you complain that your boss doesn't truly appreciate you. CONTENTS
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 I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "Where is the ceiling?!" Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off! Minds are like parachutes. They work best when open. Just make sure the strings are still attached. I'm not having hot flashes, I'm having power surges! Just because you're smart does not mean the other guy is stupid. If nothing sticks to Teflon, then how does it stick to the pan? Young at heart -- slightly older in other places. We have a strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful. Indecision is the key to flexibility. Having an out-of-body experience. Back in five. Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen all at once. If at first you don't succeed, to heck with it. Do unto others, then run. -- Benny Hill Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. Inflexibility is the hallmark of the tiny mind. It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack. My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there. -- Carrie Fisher We are not human doings; rather, we are human beings. The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. -- Lily Tomlin Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. I put the "fun" in dysfunctional. Life is like a box of chocolates. It's full of nuts. Baroque (adj.): When you are out of Monet. All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the queen. I'm not just a gardener, I'm a plant manager. I am woman. I am invincible. I am tired. My reality check bounced. I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck and dodging deadlines. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. The truth is out there. So what are you doing here?! Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me. Does vacuuming count as aerobic exercise? I have not yet begun to procrastinate. You are here: X. There's no speed limit on the information superhighway. Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are. -- Buckaroo Bonzai It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission. Men don't roar; women roar. Then they throw heavy objects. There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know. Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you. -- Bill Murray I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. Sacred cows make the best hamburger. When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am? I have a problem with authority. I AM the authority! Motherhood: the longest guilt trip you'll ever take. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. Motherhood: Another reason why we need God's constant help. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. * * * * |
