Renaissance Online Magazine Humor

AUGUST 1999 | VOL. 3, NO. 8



Comedic Cliff Notes


The Ultimate Urban Legend

"Yeah, it's sad...he can't go to a doctor." - Renaissance Online writer Tim Walsh after seeing a toad get squished by a high heeled shoe then hop away, presumbly to live a life as the crippled butt of a toad community's cruel jokes.


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1999 Darwin Awards
The year's absurd - and totally preventable - accidents

taken from Goatboy's Funny List

Each year, newspapers are scoured for the most ridiculous accidents and crimes that result in the death of the instigator. A fictitious award - named The Darwin Award after Charles Darwin, who crafted the "survival of the fittest" theory of evolution - is bestowed post-humously to the "winners". The idea behind the award is to recognize the stupidity of these people, who seem hell-bent on removing themselves from the gene pool, thus proving Darwin's theory that the most mentally and physically fit of a species will survive.

LOS ANGELES, CA. - Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a "pineapple." A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some ten feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding he needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation enroute to the hospital.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.

PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. - An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."

WINDSOR, ONT. - In February, according to police, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

MOSCOW, Russia - A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25 year old guard died of a heart wound.

FRANCE - Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.

RENTON, WASHINGTON - A man tried to commit a robbery - probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed:

  1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.
  2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places.
  3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door.
  4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.

    Upon seeing the officer, the would be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.

    THOMPSON, MANITOBA - Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed horn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shutoff switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens.

    For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned thatnight to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.

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Darwin Awards courtesy of Goatboy's Funny List -