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MAY 1999 | VOL. 3, NO. 5


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Bar Room Translations
What They're Really Telling You


translations submitted by MARK CARDIN

Everybody who has ever spent any amount of time in a bar, club or pub knows that deciphering conversation can be a challenge. Every sentence seems to have at least two possible means. Especially after several tall cold ones. So rather than spending a lot of money on a designated translator to follow you around on your night's out, simply print out the list below for easy reference in a pinch.

"You get this one, next round is on me." - We won't be here long enough to get another round.

"I'll get this one, next one is on you." - Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?" - I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) - I'm easy.

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) - I'm gay.

"Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

"Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) - If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) - You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) - I'm horny.

"Who's got the next round?" - I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

"Excuse Me." (male to male) - Get the hell out of the way.

"Excuse Me." (male to female) - I am going to grope you now.

"Excuse Me." (female to male) - Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.

"Excuse Me." (female to female) - Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you like the slut you are.

"What do you have on tap?" - What's cheap?

"Can I have a white Russian?" (male) - I'm really gay.

"Can I have a white Russian?" (female) - I'm really easy.

"That person looks really familiar." - Did I sleep with him/her?

"Can I just get a glass of water?" (female) - I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.

"I don't have my ID on me." (female) - I'm 19.

"I don't have my ID on me." (male) - I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.

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