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SEPTEMBER 1999 | VOL. 3, NO. 9



THAT"S LIFE

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MY LAST HOPE
[ 1, 2 ]

"Here it is." The guard said. I walked in and he shut the door behind me. The floor was tiled and a lone thin mat sat on the right side of the room. I sat Indian-style onto the mat; it felt like a gym mat from school. I looked up to see a camera in the upper right hand corner in the back of the room. It stared right at me; I could feel myself sweat at the thought of someone watching me all day and all nightlong. I had felt fear almost everyday in my previous life, but never like this. Now I knew what it was really like to live in constant fear. I stared at it for several seconds, trying to imagine who could be watching me, and what they could be thinking about, was it about me? I would never know, I lay down on my mat. Just who was the victim here, I was. I didn't understand why I was in here; I had told the police I wouldn't do it. I had told them the truth. Then I remembered, it all suddenly came back to me. How they left every half hour, how they pretended to have the same interest I had, how they assured me I would go home and everything would be okay. They had manipulated me and played with my mind. I felt a rush of anger flow through me, this is what they wanted, this, is what they got. Anger wasn't the right answer, but I couldn't let go.

I was unhappy with my life, but it wasn't anything I could have overcome eventually, not I lost it, I lost it all. I rot in this hole, with nothing left to my name. I didn't have a social life, but I had a life. As few friends I had, I had friends. Now they were gone. I was away from my family, away from the love. I so frightened I could even cry. I sat up again, and placed both hands over my face and hid it, I was so ashamed of myself I couldn't be seen, not even by the camera. It all happened so fast, too fast. I didn't even notice it pass me by. I said I was alone before, now I knew what it felt like to what the word alone really meant. I felt for all those not with me, those that had truly cared for me and now worried about me as I sat here, in this cell, this prison. This was still America, but now I had no freedom anymore, like everything else, I had lost it. I looked at the camera again and then I held my hands together. I bowed my head.

"Dear Lord, Please forgive me for I have sinned my greatest sin, and I cannot help but feel regret for my mistake. I was blind never to have seen what was given to me and never thankful. I do not pray to you enough; I felt alone, when I wasn't. You're always here. I will never forget that again. But please, know that I am good; know that I tend to make good of this world around me. Release me of these chains and let me breathe free air again, I will change. I will change for all, including myself. And no matter what may happen to me, I will know you are always here... Amen." I needed to make something of myself. It was time for me to leave this place when given the opportunity, but also leave my home when given the opportunity as well. I never took the time to think about what I was missing, and I am missing out on much, I know that now. I belong in this world, I have a purpose, and I can hardly wait to get out and take that chance again. I wanted to be out there, and take that second chance when given to me. I could feel the energy flow through my veins, the love flow through my heart. My time will come...My time will come...

Thursday, July 2, 1998
Five years and forty-nine days. I am at the courthouse, sitting in a tiny cell I am kept in till its time to go inside. Two hours have passed. I wait, I can feel it inside me, and today is my day. I will be free once more, or at least I hope so.

"Today we are scheduled to address the release Of Vincent Fricano, let the record show that all he has been reviewed by two separate evaluations and his history and current condition have been reviewed as well. The state have any objections."

"Yes sir. We feel..." I blurred out what the prosecutor said. I still looked at the judge and the judge looked back at me. He could see inside me, I could feel it. He knew who I was, and what had happened to me. He trusted me, as I trusted him. The state had continued on for several minutes and then the judge looked up to the others in his courtroom.

"Thank you. Now, Let us give the Vince a chance to speak on his behalf." I was caught of guard. But I had a speech prepared. A speech I have had for a long time.

"I would like to apologize for any misunderstanding." I said. "I think this whole thing has been blown way out of proportion. It is a mistake on my part to ever feel I only had one last hope in life, one way out. I didn't know how many people where here for me, how many people cared about me. My main intention was not to hurt anyone. It was more like black humor for two people who were depressed, and lonely. Now I know that threats of violence in school should always be taken seriously. I hope now that I can take all I have learned these past two months, two to others what I now know and take any second chance I may have and find a new happiness and prosperity in this life."

Friday, May 14, 1999
I walked out of my house; the bus would arrive at any moment. I am not afraid anymore. The time has come to start over, and that I have. My fear and pain have left me. I am whole again. I walk outside by myself today but I do not feel lonesome. It is a beautiful day, the sun rises above, I can feel its light shine upon me, and I can feel the light inside me. I can hardly believe it's bee a year now, things have changed so much. I am going to be okay now, I have this dream, and I want to be a writer. Maybe I was always one and just found out, I don't know. No matter what dream I have or what road I take now I know I will always be on the right path. When I think about my experience I have had, I don't think about the incident itself, but what I have learned from it, and how much it has made me a better person. I walk outside today, I will not run I will not hide, and I will enjoy my life for all it's worth. I smile; I have found my smile again. Now I know I am not alone.

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